Pepsi Fire Review: You’ll Spit Hot Fire

Pepsi Fire Review: You’ll Spit Hot Fire

Summer is in full swing and we’re all looking for ways to beat the heat. Brands are our friends, and our pals at Pepsico have our backs with a new soda that’s the equivalent of someone shoving a hand grenade stuffed full of Hot Tamales candy into your gullet and pulling the pin.

A little bit of background info on me: I’m a huge soda guy. It’s my biggest vice. I don’t much care for alcohol and I’ve never smoked or done drugs. When I come home from work on a Friday night soda is the thing I want to crave to help me unwind and relax. Does that make me sound super weird and lame? Probably. Who cares. Let’s move on.

Whenever I see a new gimmicky soda at the store I have to try it, like a moth drawn to some kind of liquid flame. This summer seems to be ripe for exciting new flavor experiments, with both Pepsi Fire and Mountain Dew’s Dew.S.A (which will gets its own review if I can find another bottle) on the shelves. I love soda and apparently hate myself so let’s review Pepsi Fire and pretend it’s the first time I’ve had it even though I bought a bottle months ago and already know what to expect.

Pepsi Fire combines Pepsi’s trademark cola and both natural and artificial cinnamon flavor into a spicy concoction that someone thought would be good for summer. I don’t know about you guys, but when it’s so hot outside that rubber ducks are melting on people’s dashboards the last thing I want to drink to cool myself down is something that’s being advertised as the equivalent of drinking fire.

Remember how I said I’m not a fan of alcohol? Well, years ago my father-in-law made it his personal mission to turn me into a bourbon drinker for some reason. Whenever we were visiting he’d offer me a tall shot glass for sippin’ on, and a few times I’d take him up on it to be polite. Man, I hated that burning sensation as it went down. Well, Pepsi Fire offers you that at a much lower price, but without the added bonus of dulling your senses and making you feel like you’re the most hilarious person in the room.

Pepsi Fire is like drinking heartburn. You feel awful the entire time. It tries to trick you with that appealing red color you can see in the gif above. Red-tinted sodas are usually cherry, a heavenly flavor that evokes feelings of joy, calmness and pleasure. This is the complete opposite. This is misery, chaos and destruction in cola form. There’s not a single redeeming quality about it at all.

I’m sipping on it as I write this and I just had to get up and dump it down the sink. It was making me feel ill. It’s not enough that it both tastes and feels bad, but it’s actually hazardous to your health. The only other time soda has made me feel sick to my stomach was when I bought soda flavored like takoyaki, and in that case I knew what I was getting into and was basically performing a Jackass stunt without an audience. Pepsi Fire is deception. I think part of what makes it so vile is it tastes like lies.

You know what would have been a better summer soda? Something nice and fruity that’s refreshing and uplifting. They should’ve brought back Pepsi Blue. It tasted like a Slurpee. You know, a cool drink that’s best enjoyed when it’s hot outside. They already brought back Crystal Pepsi and that was awesome. If Pepsi Blue ever came back instead of a review I’d just post a link to an mp3 of me singing choir songs from a mountaintop somewhere.

There’s a reason I chose to use this Sonic the Hedgehog glass in all these pictures. Sonic is annoyed and disgusted, which is exactly how you’ll feel if you decide to drink Pepsi Fire. I can’t even recommend it as a curiosity. It’s going to change you as a person and you’ll bear invisible scars that will never heal. I care about you too much to let you do this to yourself.

Shame on you, Pepsi.

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