If I were ever to win the lottery and be Filthy Stinkin’ Rich I’d do a lot of good things with all that lettuce. Buy up medical and student loan debt and tell people they’re off the hook. Donate to charities. Create affordable housing. Stuff like that. But when it comes to selfish things I’d do for myself I already know what my heart’s truest wish is.
I’d get a 100% accurate replica built of Princess Peach’s castle from Super Mario 64.
Those of you who don’t know me very well yet will need a little bit of a primer – Super Mario 64 is my most favoritest game of all time forever and ever. It’s very hard for me to put into words just how good I feel whenever I play Super Mario 64, or listen to music from Super Mario 64, or even just think about Super Mario 64 in a general sense. It’s a feeling I wish I could wrap around me like a warm blanket to keep me safe and warm and content at all times.
So! If I had all that cash I’d totally find a big plot of open land and pay whatever it cost to get it built. I’d be a total pain in the ass about it too. I’d insist that it be completely accurate and to scale with how it was in the game. If they just took the 3D model and blew it up and used that as a reference that would be ideal.
I’d want the inside to be completely accurate too. I’d want those spinning coins to be there. All the doors better look exactly like they do in the game. The Bowser doors need to slide open and make the correct noise. The doors to the attic and basement need to have giant keyholes too. Everything needs to be angular and look like it’s being rendered by 64-bit hardware.
I want life-size models of Toads where he’s supposed to be in the castle too, of course. They don’t need to move or anything, they just need to be there. Oh, and all the signposts and tutorial things need to be in the right places
Of course none of this works without a speaker system throughout the entire place that just plays “Inside Peach’s Castle” on loop 24/7.
I want it all. I want the paintings to be accurate. I want the moat outside. I want the courtyard with the “L is Real 2401” statue. I want them to find a way to make the whole thing surrounded by steep hills just like in the game. The waterfall needs to be there too.
You know what I just thought of that would be really cool? If the only way into the courtyard area was through a warp pipe like when you start a new game. I know warp pipes aren’t real, but I’d be okay climbing up a ladder and coming through a fake one.
What I absolutely do not want is anything extra. I don’t want bedrooms or a kitchen or anything. I don’t want it to be a house. I want it to be Peach’s Castle and nothing more. Anything that would be added would just take away from it. I don’t want to live there. I just want to, like, lie down on the floor in there forever and never leave.
It’s ridiculous. It’s wasteful and pointless. Aside from that it’s never going to happen. But the heart wants what it wants, my friends, and sometimes I just put on the song and close my eyes… and it’s like I’m there.
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