It’s Konami’s 50th anniversary apparently, which has them feeling a bit sentimental for the bygone days when they released video games. As a result they’re re-releasing collections of some video games they’ve made over those 50 years, including a nice little bundle of Castlevania titles, one of their most well-loved franchises.
None of this has anything to do with what I’m ACTUALLY talking about in this here blog post, which is a snack produced by Brad’s Plant Based. I was walking through the grocery store when my Video Game Sense started tingling. What I saw was a bag of dried kale emblazoned with VAMPIRE KILLER right on the front. I was intrigued. I buy stupid snacks all the time but usually they’re garbage food because I’m a garbage person. Would I buy a Healthy Snack just because someone at the company named it after the legendary weapon of the Belmont Clan?
Yes. Yes I would.
Of course this food has nothing to do with Castlevania or Konami. It’s dried kale with garlic all over it, hence the “vampire killer” moniker. My momma didn’t raise no fool, though. Those words only go together in very specific circumstances, and that’s when you’re talking about a) a whip that can kill Dracula or b) a song that rocks butts. This is neither of those things.
Still, I had to buy it. I had to buy it and eat it so I could tell you about it and generate good content™.
I had it sitting on my counter for a few days because I was lazy and didn’t feel like writing anything yet, but my daughter, who is two and wants EVERYTHING did her usual “I want to try that!” routine when she decided she wanted a snack. I assured her that no, she did not want to try that, yet she persisted as two year olds are wont to do. I couldn’t tell which would make me a worse father: ignoring her demands or feeding her dried kale. I decided if I was gonna try this stuff I might as well have some company and we cracked that sucker open.
(Get it? Cracked, like a whip? Oh man that’s good.)
I took a whiff and expected the smell of garlic to punch me right in the nose, but instead it just smelled stale. Not like stale food though, more like a room in an ancient castle that may or may not be owned by Dracula that’s filled with very old books. Not very appetizing!
It doesn’t look like much either. The garlic is a weird orange color and looks like how Gabe from Penny Arcade used to draw cranial leakage.
The taste is not great either! It’s not bad, but again, it tastes musty. Couple that with the weird, crumbly texture of the dried kale and it’s kinda like you’re eating old books. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like eating old books. It gave me kind of a bad feeling in my chest that lingered for like 20 minutes.
The garlic taste isn’t even there either! I got like, zero spice from the garlic. With a name like VAMPIRE KILLER right there on the package I expected a smell and taste that would give Wario a boner but this is like if someone just whispered the word garlic into the bag before they sealed it. Forget vampire killer, this is barely vampire annoyer.
Anyway my daughter tried a piece, promptly started choking on it, then after drinking water stammered out “I don’t like this” with tears in her eyes. This snack is not good, it has nothing to do with Castlevania and it hurt my daughter. Zero stars.